Connection is vital
Before I came into the rooms of AA, I didn’t like people too much. I think I really thought people were kind of useless unless they had something to offer me that I wanted. I never really listened. You could have a whole conversation with me and 15 min later, I wouldn’t remember half of what you said. I would remember just enough for you to think that I was listening. I never shared anything about myself that mattered. I was never honest with anyone about me. I wasn’t even honest with me about me . It was all too ugly. I showed you what I wanted you to see. I was always the actor AND the director! I had no real connections with anyone, including my closest family members. I had no real friends. I was alone and I liked it that way.
I never trusted anyone enough to give love. I never trusted the love that anyone was offering me. And if I thought you really did love me then it would be your loss. I didn’t deserve it and I would act accordingly. Smashing everyone in my path. My drinking was my solution. It was my escape. I didn’t have to feel anything. There was no guilt or shame for my behavior. There was only oblivion. The peace that comes with the numbness of not feeling anything. Until it started to fail me, the pain came creeping in, more and more. The shame and self loathing. As the liquor started to fail me the more I hid from everyone. You couldn’t see what I was seeing. I was disgusting.
When I crawled into the rooms of AA, ugly, desperate, in pain and full of shame, you saw me. You saw who I really was, and it was ugly. But you hugged me, you loved me. There was no judgement. You showed me how to get that ugliness out. To love me until I could love myself. In turn I ended up being able to love you. In my 51 years of life I finally had the courage to really connect with other human beings. To share all the pieces of me, even the ugly parts. You loved me anyway.
Today I rely on that fellowship. The true unconditional love. That love that I can give to someone I just met. That real love and compassion we can have with not only each other but that we can start to share with those around us. Inside and outside the rooms of AA. If each one of us can change just a little bit, just love just a little more, forgive a little easier, think of others before ourselves, then maybe there is hope for us. I am told that kind of thinking is pretty naive, maybe it is, but it sure feels alot better. Life is alot brighter when we share with it each other (even on rainy days).
Make someones day and forgive. Share a hug and a smile. Instead of anger or self pity, be grateful. If you look for the bad in the world you will find it. So look for the good and what you find will be something better that you ever thought it could be!
You are not alone. We share this beautiful planet, lets get to know one another. Connect!
Love & Service
Betty