Unforgivable

When I came into the rooms of AA a little over 3 years ago , I was an unforgivable and unlovable creature. I really didn’t believe that I should be forgiven or loved for the awful things I had done.I had been pushing people away and creating situations so that I hoped would make it impossible for anyone to even try. I didn’t want your forgiveness for my drunk driving , my lack of compassion, my bitchy attitude, my selfishness. Even if you could forgive me, I was never going to be able to forgive myself. I used people for my own pleasure and purpose. If I didn’t need anything from you, you were useless to me. Oh sure, I put on a great act, pretending to be kind and helpful but always keeping score. This left me feeling empty inside. With every lie, every self defiling act, the hole in my soul seemed to grow. The only thing that numbed it was the alcohol, but one day it just stopped working and the pain became unbearable.

Walking into the rooms of AA, slowly sharing the ugliness that was inside, realizing that these people, these strangers loved me no matter what I said. They told me they would love me until I learned to love myself, and they showed me love everyday, with every share. The communion with others, being able to open up honestly with people who seemed to understand, who listened without judgement was life changing. Through working the steps I was able to find a power greater than me and learn to let go of all those things that were blocking me from love and being able to forgive myself. But the sharing with others is what truly began the healing for me. The amazing energy of all that love and kindness gave me the courage to be open and honest. I thought I used to hate people, I used to think being alone was better. I found out it was because I didnt like me very much, so how could I like anyone else.

We need each other, we all need each other. We are not meant to be alone. The more love there is to go around the more the world can heal. I know it seems naive and maybe a little silly but why not. If we can all do our part to be kinder, more compassionate, less judgmental, more open to each other, then we can start to break down these walls we all put up around us. You can only get what you give. I am choosing to give love, to be of service to my fellow humans. I have taken what I could for so long and it only left me feeling empty alone. Today the more I give the fuller I get. I have the most amazing people in my life today because I could forgive myself. Being able to forgive myself allowed me to be able to have forgiveness in my heart for others.

There is nothing that is unforgivable. It may seem so but even the worst things you can think of can be forgiven. Stay open to it, stay teachable. You are not alone. We are never really alone.

Yours in love and service

Betty